The A.V. Club - Hater

Film: Hater:J.Lo To Re-Enact "Jenny From The Block" Video, Pretend It's A Remake Of Overboard

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:30:00 -0500

Can someone please give Will Smith a time-consuming acting role that doesn't involve suicide-by-jellyfish? Because apparently when Will Smith isn't acting, he's producing—which wouldn't be so bad except that for Will Smith "producing" means "horrendously miscasting a pointless remake of a beloved 80s movie so that Jaden and/or Willow will have something to do over the summer." First, it was a remake of The Karate Kid, but set in China, starring Will's favored son, and somehow about kung-fu. Now, Will Smith is remaking Overboard with Jennifer Lopez for some reason—even though the ...

TV: Hater:Who Are Ke$ha's Influences?

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:00:00 -0500

Last night, this mysterious entity known as Ke$ha p€rform€d on American Idol, which is a popular thunderdome program about trilling. What is Ke$ha? She is the reverse of that high-pitched ringtone that adults can't hear—only people under 20 can't hear the horrible noises she makes. Ke$ha (the dollar sign is silent) does not trill, but she is a musician of sorts. Based on the following video of her performance last night and nothing else, here's a short list of who (or what) Ke$ha's influences clearly are: —The set design ...

Film: Hater:Breaking News: Everyone Hates The Gym

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:30:00 -0500

Gyms are basically rage incubators. They're sweatboxes full of smelly, moist people running side-by-side to nowhere, and patrolling trainers who say "core" every other word, and weightlifters who make sure you know just how heavy those weights are by grunting with every rep louder than the Ke$ha song (the third one in an hour) that's blasting through the gym's sound-system like a thousand steel ball-bearings dropping on a field of garbage can lids. Gyms are the worst. Everyone who goes to the gym knows this because we subject ourselves to this hell voluntarily—which is why ...

DVD: Hater:Alternate Titles For The Bounty Hunter

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:35:00 -0500

In case you haven't heard because TV, movie theaters, magazines, the Internet, and scaffolding covered in posters have been merciful to you, the latest entry to the storied Step-1-lock-her-in-a-trunk-Step-2-she-falls-in-love-with-you genre is The Bounty Hunter, starring Gerard Butler in the wardrobe of a 13-year-old boy, a vaguely human-shaped pile of beige exasperation (Jennifer Aniston), and a complete lack of chemistry. Obviously, it is the worst-looking movie since Jennifer Aniston's or Gerard Butler's last movies. Yet, just when you think you've reached the bottom of The Bounty Hunter's awfulness, the ground gives way and the taupe tunnel ...

TV: Hater:Shock Artists Today Have It So Easy

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:15:00 -0500

Being a shock artist used to be tough. You had to collect all your fingernail clippings for twenty years and then fashion them into a mosaic of Gorbachev raping an owl; or you had to develop a plastinization process to preserve human tissue, convince the Chinese government to give you the bodies of prisoners, and then painstakingly bend and shape the bodies into weird poses. If you were feeling lazy, you used giraffe dung and old baby teeth to make a portrait of Mother Teresa—but even that took some effort. (There was the drive to the wildlife park, convincing ...

TV: Hater:Evidence That Kirstie Alley's Diet Is Just A Normal, Run-Of-The-Mill Diet Scam

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:50:00 -0500

Evidence That Kirstie Alley's Diet Is Just A Normal, Run-Of-The-Mill Diet Scam, Not A Scientology Diet Scam (According to The Today Show and Organicliaison.com) 1. Kirstie Alley's made-up diet plan is called "Organic Liaison." That's an insane collision of words that telegraphs precisely how stupid this supposed "scientifically based" diet is—but "Organic Liaison" doesn't really telegraph "Scientology." If Organic Liaison were really a Scientology front, wouldn't they call it The Organic Rundown, or Organic Operating Level I? "Organic Liaison" just sounds like a porn set at a greenmarket, not an extension of Dianetics ...

TV: Hater:Noted Performance Artist Spencer Pratt Will Save Us All From The Net

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:10:00 -0500

You might remember noted performance artist Spencer Pratt from such staged photo ops as Guns n' Beer On A Pier, Easter Nightmare, and Lifeless Plastic Shell? That's My Wife. He also once lived in a jungle with Frangela for some kind of art project that was televised by NBC. But now Spencer Pratt says that his performance art days are behind him. He will no longer live publicly as a professional asshole just to see what happens. Instead, Spencer Pratt has taken on a new, and far nobler mission: to protect America from cyber crimes—which are 63% worse ...

TV: Hater:Lady Gaga Is So Mayo

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 10:37:00 -0500

If Lady Gaga's "Telephone" video proves anything—besides what Tarantino movies look like through burning cigarette glasses—it's that Lady Gaga is very persuasive. Not only did she get Beyoncé to portray a short-circuiting robot (and, as we all know, malfunctioning-robot-Beyoncé is the best Beyoncé), but she apparently also convinced Miracle Whip to pay her to equate their product with poison. From Ad Age: At least nine different brands make appearances in the nine-minute music video, from Gaga's own Heartbeats headphones to a "Beats Limited Edition" laptop, from HP Envy to "telephone" partner Virgin Mobile, and from ...

TV: Hater:Larry David Hates The Marriage Ref As Much As We Do

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:15:00 -0600

Last night, Larry David, a wooden lion mask from The Lion King that claimed to be Madonna, and Ricky Gervais were the big celebrity favors that Jerry Seinfeld called in for new show, Pile Of Forced Guffaws, The Ol' Ball and Chain, And A Sports Metaphor. Apparently, a lot of funny, talented people owe Jerry Seinfeld favors. Could you imagine the kind of show he could have put together with/for them if he expended any real thought on it? Or, he could have just expended very little thought and made a simple talk show. Instead, he gathered these people ...

TV: Hater:It's Nearly 2012, Have You Planted Your Crisis Garden Yet?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:35:00 -0600

With the economy going the way it's going, and society crumbling seemingly more than it's usually crumbling, you've got to hoard something, right? Well, why not hoard seeds? Yes, seeds. More specifically, non-hybrid seeds that you can use to plant your very own Crisis Garden, aka a Field Of Fear, which will really come in handy when the government collapses and lawlessness and violence are the only rules the populace will live by. All you need are a canister of Survival Seeds, a spare acre of good land, and a small army to protect your Crisis Garden ...

TV: Hater:Dr. Drew Is Really, Really Sad He Couldn't Exploit Corey Haim In Time

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:05:00 -0600

When you heard about Corey Haim's death yesterday, did you put down the Sharpie you were using to sign copies of your book about the scourge of celebrity narcissism with your own giant face on the cover, rest your chin in your hand (your "concerned" pose), and think, "Hmm. Just in time for the premiere of Sober House 2!" No? Well then you're probably a whole human being, and not the vulture-brained Dr. Drew Pinsky. Still, he waited about 7 whole hours before before trying to capitalize on Corey Haim's death which shows the tiniest sliver possible ...

DVD: Hater:Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Rumer Willis, A Stripper Pole, & Leo DiCaprio Form Unstoppable Nexus Of Awful

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:30:00 -0600

In a time long long ago, in a land far far away, Demi Moore was an actress. Now she is the person that Ashton Kutcher sometimes takes pictures of to post to his Twitter. But on occasion, when the mood strikes her and a pole, support column, or leg of scaffolding is available, Demi Moore sinks back into the fog of time until suddenly it's 1996 and she's back on the set of Striptease again. "Excuse me. Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" she wonders aloud (as was the custom at the time) to no one ...

TV: Hater:Kathy Ireland Explains Her Kathy Ireland-ness

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:00:00 -0600

There are certain performances so powerful that you can't help but watch in amazement and wonder how the actor did it. On Sunday night, the world witnessed one such performance when one-time model person Kathy Ireland played the role of Shouty Block Of Wood With Microphone. "What happened to Kathy Ireland?" we all wondered. "Is her brain somehow trapped in cement?" It was, in a word, breathtaking. What's great about the red carpet is that every interviewer has their own signature style. Guiliana Rancic is a bundle of carrot sticks that tries to befriend everyone. Billy Bush is ...

TV: Hater:Lindsay Lohan Is A Baby

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:10:00 -0600

When most of us saw the above E-Trade baby commercial, we saw the creepy sexualization of infants in order to sell some do-it-yourself Boiler Room fantasy website. When Lindsay Lohan saw the above E-Trade baby commercial she saw a mirror. This is nothing new. Lindsay Lohan sees her reflection everywhere—in the sky, in lightbulbs, on take-out menus, in the Toys R Us logo, trapped inside grilled cheese sandwiches, in portraits of Alexander Hamilton—but since this was an unauthorized reflection, Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade. Seriously. Hilariously. From The NY Post: Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade ...

TV: Hater:Nick Cannon: Millennial Whisperer

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:50:00 -0600

Like most of America, I'm waiting for the movie where Mel Gibson inexplicably develops the ability to hear the the inner voices of teens ("OMG Facebook!" "Swingin on the flippity flop!" "If Justin Beiber were here, would he like my outfit?" etc.) called What Teens Want to find out what teens want. The advertising industry, however, can't wait. They have Limited Edition Twilight Harvest Cheddar Doritos and hundreds of crates of X-treme Swaggerlicious Mountain Dew to sell. Which is why this is happening: Finally, there's a marketing conference to explain to the advertising industry how teenz r ...

TV: Hater:Ben Stiller Has No Idea How People Get Porn These Days

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:55:00 -0600

The Independent Spirit Awards, aka the Soaring Bird Of Film-Truth Jamboree, is the art school alterna-prom to the Oscars' glitter-themed senior prom. In fact, just one 4-inch section of The Oscars' sparkling crystal curtain of Hollywood's diamond tears would pay for all of the faux-brick wallpaper that constitutes the set for The Independent Spirit Awards. It's just a little, casual, indie awards show cobbled together to celebrate independent film (which can mean about anything), as well as Stella Artois, Piaget, Jameson, Mariah Carey and any other company that sponsored a tent outside the awards show venue. So how ...

TV: Hater:Why Are People Watching The Marriage Ref?

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:55:00 -0600

The Marriage Ref is the worst show on television. That is not hyperbole, it is fact. It's a cheap, lazy pile of forced guffaws. Jerry Seinfeld standing in front of a stark white backdrop, reading aloud from Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus would be more entertaining and worthwhile. No one should watch The Marriage Ref. Naturally, though, everyone is watching The Marriage Ref. The show got high ratings for its odious "preview" episode on Sunday, as well as the first official episode which aired last night. Sure, The Marriage Ref's high ratings could just be ...

TV: Hater:Oh Look, It's A Glimpse At Fox's Spaced Remake

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:15:00 -0600

Slashfilm dug up a clip of Fox's attempt to remake a beloved British television show without any input from the original show's creators. This was sort of like trying to make a delicious, complex cake without asking the chef for the recipe—and, shockingly, this strategy did not yield the best results. Behold, a clip of the dreary, bland, cheap-looking, utterly flat Spaced remake: Sure, that was pretty bad—so bad that even Fox agreed it was bad. But I bet there's worse—specifically the mythically awful Fox version of Peep Show. Where are the secret clips ...

TV: Hater:Sarah Palin Is Basically Snooki

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 11:45:00 -0600

Snooki, aka Schnickers, aka Snicks, is a cast member of MTV's anthropological study of the northern reticulated guido, The Jersey Shore. Sarah Palin is the former governor of Alaska, a former Vice-Presidential candidate, and a current Fox News rambler. On the surface, these two women have very little in common. But upon further inspection, Snooki and Sarah Palin are basically the same person. So how does Snooki compare to Sarah Palin? Let us count the ways: 1. The Pouf. Both women favor a form of bouffant that is the hairstyle approximation of the word, "Yikes!" Snooki's pouf is ...

TV: Hater:Let's Modernize Gilligan's Island!

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:00:00 -0600

As we all know, Hollywood is slowly but surely working up the courage to make a film version of the greatest talking horse comedy in the history of entertainment, Mr. Ed, by making film versions of every other popular 1960s sitcom. (They figure that if they practice by making movies out of The Brady Bunch, Lost In Space, The Addams Family, The Beverly Hillbillies, Bewitched, Car 54, Where Are You?, etc. by the time they attempt Mr. Ed they'll have the whole translation-to-film thing down.) The latest in this interminable line of test runs is Gilligan's Island. Obviously ...