A.V. Club: Best of the Decade

  • MTV says: OMG, Look At These Guidos.

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 20, 2009 - 09:11a.m.

    On this very special, 23rd edition of the Hatecast, Amelie Gillette and Sam West, Staff Writer for the Onion News Network, opened traditional 23rd podcast gifts, namely lamps, sharktooth necklaces, and lamps accented with sharktooth necklaces. It was all very something. But because the sound of opening wrapping paper isn't that compelling, they also discussed MTV's spate of pre-ridiculed tool TV shows; Guy Fieri's plan to charge $25 for a peek at a giant blender; and MC Hammer's disavowal of Hammerpants. Please, put their ramblings in your ears!

    Hatecast #23: MTV says: OMG, Look At These Guidos.

    Subscribe to The Hatecast
    iTunes
    feeds.theonion.com/hatecast

    read 48

  • Tyra Banks Is So Sorry You Didn't Realize She's A Moron

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 19, 2009 - 05:11p.m.

    It's probably very difficult being Tyra Banks. You walk around with a cranial cavity that's empty except for two tired bees, and those bees are constantly buzz buzz buzzing with, like, the best ideas. But no one seems to "get" your ideas. It has to be frustrating. The bees knock around in your hollow skull, and so you say, "Why don't I dress up like a fat person, in order to, like, see how fat people feel, which is probably terrible. But then I immediately go back to being a model?" And everyone just stares at you blankly, refusing to smile with their eyes (even though that's a real skill that you invented and then gave to the world! You're welcome, Universe). Finally, someone will meekly offer, "But, Tyra. That doesn't make any sense. I mean, that idea is incongruous at best, insulting at worst." And then you just scream, "H to T modeling!" for no reason because that's what the bees said to say.

    Of course, the reason no one "gets" any of Tyra's ideas is because all of her ideas come from a place where logic doesn't exist—Tyra ...

    read 193

  • Fancy NYC McDonald's Almost Like Being In Europe

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 19, 2009 - 01:11p.m.

    In terms of their McDonald's restaurant design, Europe is way ahead of us. Their McDonald's have fancy chairs, and flat-screen TVs, and only the chicest homeless people setting up residency in the bathrooms. Well now, finally, at least one American McDonald's has caught up.

    From The AP:

    A McDonald's in midtown Manhattan became the first in the U.S. this fall to undergo a sleek, European-style makeover similar to what McDonald's has done at thousands of outlets around in France and the United Kingdom.

    The eatery is outfitted with outlets for plugging in laptops, upholstered vinyl chairs instead of Fiberglas seats bolted to the floor, subdued lighting and employees whose all-black uniforms suggest a hip boutique.

    Oooh. All-black uniforms! It's almost as hip as Applebee's. Or even Supercuts. Which is probably really confusing for people. 

    "It's like a lounge," said Kimberly Burgess, one of many patrons who did a double take after entering the newly renovated restaurant in Manhattan's Chelsea section. "It's so different from all the other McDonald's. It's beautiful." 

    "What is this, Europe?" Ms. Burgess continued, her face a mix of bewilderment and panic. "Agh! What ...

    read 219

  • Surprising Facts About Steven Seagal

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 18, 2009 - 04:11p.m.

    You might know Steven Seagal as the star of Under Siege and Under Siege 2: Beneath Even More Siege, or perhaps you remember him best as Celebrity Grand Marshal, along with The Beach Boys (they count as one Marshal), of the 1993 Endymion parade. But, as it turns out, Steven Seagal is more than just an action star/one-time grand marshall of a Mardi Gras parade.

    Here are a few surprising facts* about the action star/one-time grand marshall of a parade you may not know:

    --For the past 5 years, Steven Seagal has been a resident marine biologist at The New Orleans Aquarium (this position is normally given to a person with a college degree in Marine Biology, but the HR people at the Aquarium really like Above The Law, so...)

    --In his spare time, Steven Seagal breeds silkworms and sells them on eBay. He is also an amateur beekeeper.

    --Steven Seagal has been the CEO of Barnes & Noble for the past 12 years. (He really helped them hone their merchandising strategy.)

    --For the past 23 years, Steven Seagal has been a district judge (St. Croix Division) of the court of The US Virgin Islands.

    --Steven Seagal invented Post-Its ...

    read 240

  • Important Questions About Twilight: New Moon

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 17, 2009 - 04:11p.m.

    Twilight: New Moon, the movie in which an Abstinence Vampire, a CGI Husky, and An Oversized Bottle of Vitamin Water battle for the affection of a brooding girl who gets a paper cut while opening a birthday present, raises more questions than it answers. Questions like, "What?" "Huh?" "Thunderstorm vampire baseball?" "Virgin Atlantic flies from Seattle to Italy now?" and, of course, "What was 50 Cent doing at the Twilight New Moon Premiere?" 

    That last one is the ultimate unanswerable question. There's no defnitive response to a  "What was 50 Cent doing [name of place]?" question. "What was 50 Cent doing at the Costco?" "What was 50 Cent doing at Coldstone Creamery?" "What was 50 Cent doing at an after party for The Wrestler?" "What was 50 Cent doing at some picnic with Bette Midler?" No one expects answers to these questions, because there could never be a satisfactory answer.

    Until now. Finally, we have an answer to the question "What was 50 Cent doing at the New Moon Premiere?"

    50

    "I came out to enjoy the festivities," 50 explained. "You see the energy, all the kids out. They been out here for a few days waiting to see this ...

    read 128

  • Who Doesn't Love The Smell Of Dead Celebrity DNA?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 17, 2009 - 12:11p.m.

    Everyone who is or was at some point even remotely famous has a perfume—Carlos Santana, Avril Lavigne, Tim McGraw, Donald Trump, the cast of the Bold & The Beautiful, Alan Cumming, Raven Symone, Derek Jeter, that girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark, etc. If you're looking for something to make you smell like your favorite slightly-well-known personage, or if you're just looking for something with a famous name to swig Scarlett-O'Hara-style when you're secretly drinking in the bedroom and your abusive husband comes up the stairs, the celebrity perfume industrial complex has you well covered.

    But what if you're looking for something more in your celebrity perfume? Something scientific like, say, the DNA of your fave dead celeb? Well, unfortunately, now you can have that too.

    From The NY Daily News:

    A Beverly Hills company is formulating a line of "Antiquity" fragrances based on the DNA of dead celebrities including Elvis Presley, Albert Einstein, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson - even Richard Nixon.

    The firm, which also makes individualized scents based on a customer's cheek swab, says it's conjuring the star potions from DNA tests performed on hair clippings provided by renowned ...

    read 209

  • Mariah Carey Will Do Whatever She Wants

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 16, 2009 - 03:11p.m.

    Career-wise, Mariah Carey is almost as powerful as she's ever been: She's established enough that people are going to buy her music, even if her first single is a response to an Eminem insult and it's 2009; She has her own perfume line that people actually buy (apparently some people want to smell like an 8-octave range and Sanrio); I'm pretty sure she owns the rights to all the butterfly images in North America; And she's getting good reviews for her light-mustache acting in Precious. 

    Basically, Mariah Carey can do whatever she wants. And now, almost as if to prove it, she's released a video for a cover of Foriegner's "I Wanna Know What Love Is" that is so corny it's almost magical. Really, it's breathtaking. There are moments in the following video where children look at their parents, where friends look at friends, where a random patient looks at her orderly/possible lover, and they scream with their eyes, "Holy shit! Can this really be happening?" But it is happening, because Mariah made it happen.   

    Does anyone want a Mariah Carey cover of "I Wanna Know What Love Is"? Doubtful ...

    read 138

  • Grown-Ups Is Somehow A Real Movie

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 16, 2009 - 12:11p.m.

    Adam Sandler surveys the room. At a long table sit some of his best friends in comedy: David Spade, Kevin James, Chris Rock, and Rob Schneider—who, as always, came with a crate of autographed The Animal DVDs "just in case." Looking at them, Sandler brightens. He feels a dull ache deep in his left knee. This can only mean one of two things: Either it's gonna rain this afternoon, or his body is physically reacting to the energy of all the comedic talent in the room. Sandler knows it's a sure sign that this movie is gonna be amazing. 

    "Guys, thanks so much for being here," Sandler begins. "I know we can make a really funny movie about five aging friends meeting up for a 4th Of July reunion if we try."

    "Try?" Kevin James asks. "Why would we try?"

    "Trying does sound like a lot of work, Sandman," David Spade says. "I try to never try."

    "I try TOO MUCH!!" Rob Schneider says, hopping up on the table. "Look! It eeze le cirque du soliel!" Schneider does a somersault to the other end of the table, then lays on his stomach, arches back to hold his ...

    read 193

  • Tis The Season For a Boycott!

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 13, 2009 - 12:11p.m.

    As we enter into the Christmas season, it's becoming painfully obvious that we as a society are lost. We're turning our back on the light and choosing instead to go fumbling about in the dark. Why, we don't even know the true meaning of Christmas anymore. It's sad, really. Too many people think Christmas is about family or friends or candy canes or celebrating the birth of Christ. But what Christmas is about, what it's always been about, is marketing. Do you know how many bulky red and white sweaters The Gap would sell if they marketed them as Christmas sweaters? So, so many. Instead, they're choosing to dilute the Christmas-only marketing message with a bunch of other lesser winter holidays (Hannukah, Kwanzaa, even winter solstice) and they're certainly going to feel the effects in their achingly empty registers this December. Right, American Family Association?

    From Brandweek:

    The American Family Association is calling on consumers to boycott Gap Inc. and its brands, which include Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic, this holiday season. The Christian organization alleges that the retailer's ads downplay the word "Christmas."

    The boycott, according to the AFA, is ...

    read 335

  • The Twilight Vampires Would Like To Sell You A Volvo

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 13, 2009 - 12:11a.m.

    This week on the Hater podcast, Amelie Gillette and Carol Kolb, head writer of The Onion News Network, discuss awkward Twilight product placement; why Twitter-based sitcoms won't necessarily be any worse than non-Twitter based sitcoms; J Lo's future career as TV Movie Star; and the scourge of interactivity stupidity. If you consult the Mayan calendar for November 13, 2009, however, you'll see that a Hater podcast about scarabs and only scarabs was prophesized. Silly Mayans.

    Hatecast #22: The Twilight Vampires Would Like To Sell You A Volvo

    Subscribe to The Hatecast
    iTunes
    feeds.theonion.com/hatecast

    read 66

  • Everybody Loves A Smart Aleck

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 12, 2009 - 03:11p.m.

    Do you think your kid is just so smart? Don't you just love it when you have company over and you get to show off your chid's smarts? "She can say all the state capitals!" you shout, over your guests' objections, "No, she loves doing this. Get in here, Porter, and recite all the state capitals. Start with Alabama."

    Well, now there's (finally) a game show where you can force your lil' idiot savant or child prodigy to do just that but for money! 

    From Reuters:

    Fox has ordered a new game show from producer Mark Burnett that puts child geniuses to the test.

    In "Our Little Genius," ultra-smart kids ages 6-12 will get a chance to prove their expertise for a shot at hundreds of thousands of dollars.

     "It's shining a bright warm light on kids (who), due to their genius, get ridiculed by their peer group. Here we give them a chance to shine," Burnett said.

    doogs

    Aww. Isn't it sweet of Mark Burnett to save these baby geniuses from the ridicule of a small group of their peers by exposing them to the possible ridicule of an entire nation? After all, everyone loves ...

    read 193

  • Oprah's Favorite Thing: Exploiting Horribly Disfigured People

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 12, 2009 - 10:11a.m.

    We all know that Oprah's Favorite Things™ are really just symptoms of clinical depression translated into a collection of ugly, useless, soft, expensive, or just plain dumb gifts. But what you may not know is that these Favorite Things™ are not actually Oprah's favorite things. Not even close. This is because Oprah's favorite thing in the world, the thing that she enjoys more than a pile of cashmere throws, or a truckload of Josh Groban CDs, or a refrigerator with a build in flatscreen TV, is to exploit people who no longer have faces. Seriously. She just can't get enough of it.

    A few months back, Oprah spent half of her show talking to Connie Culp, the woman who, after surviving a vicious attack by her husband, was the first successful face transplant patient in the United States. Or, as Oprah so delicately put it, "Connie Culp, the woman whose husband literally shot off her face." Incidentally, this is Oprah's favorite phrase. Nearly every question she asked Connie Culp began, "When your husband shot off your face.." or "After your husband shot off your face.." It's just such a dynamic turn-of-phrase, right, Oprah?

    But ...

    read 227

  • What is Euro?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 11, 2009 - 03:11p.m.

    America, are you ready to be inspired? Are you ready to believe that anything is possible? Wouldn't you love to feel again?

    Of course you would. But how are you going to feel again without a new YouTube clip of a British talent competition? That's the only thing that can cut through the numbness!

    Well you're in luck, because noted-magic-maker, Simon Cowell, has once again sent you a singing act to stir your long dormant emotions. It's a pair of twin brothers commonly known as "Jedward", and they will change the way you feel about music, reality talent competitions, and, most importantly, those giant windsocks they set up outside car dealerships.   

    It's taken two American reality competitions, one Sanjaya, one William Hung, and a YouTube clip of two flat, awkward twins with Kid from Kid N Play hair, but I finally understand what Simon Cowell is trying to do: Comedy. More specifically, he's creating his own version of Eurovision. See, American Idol, America's Got Talent, and presumably whatever this X Factor show is, are all ostensibly about finding the "best" act by letting the acts perform in the most bombastic way possible, thus ...

    read 163

  • No one should dress like Lady Gaga except Lady Gaga, Okay?

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 10, 2009 - 04:11p.m.

    If I had to name the three biggest trends for fall/winter 2009/2010, I'd probably go stand in my door frame, hit myself in the forehead with the door a couple hundred times (or until things turn into a bright white pain tunnel, whichever comes first) then I'd stumble back to my desk and write down: 1. Chunky knits, for sure, 2. Baggn's? 3. Snoods.

    What's a snood, besides possibly the surname of that family of cartoon boogers in the Mucinex commercials, you ask? Why, it's a combination scarf/hood, obviously. Scarf n' hood...Snood! I'll give you a few minutes to find your own door frame. 

    From The Wall Street Journal:

    The trend emerged on the Fall 2009 runways of designers like Missoni (knit snoods) and Burberry (plaid snoods) and also made an appearance in the commercial collections of Donna Karan and Yves Saint Laurent. Now it's gone mainstream, with retailers ranging from American Apparel to Zara getting behind the loopy style with snoods of varying lengths and monikers. The British version of GQ magazine's Web site recently posted a "Guide to Snoods," suggesting wearers try it "over a chunky ...

    read 215

  • Tyler Perry Is Finally Making A Horror Movie!

    posted by: Amelie Gillette November 10, 2009 - 12:11p.m.

    Tyler Perry is known for three things: 1. Owning his own island (possibly called Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Island); 2. Creating Madea, the most hilarious fat-suited child-abuser in recent memory; and 3. Refusing to pick a tone in any of his movies. 

    In a way, that last thing is sort of ambitious. "Why can't every movie encompass all tones?" Tyler Perry, director, writer, and star of all Tyler Perry movies seems to be asking. "Why can't I be everything to everybody?" Of course, the answer to those questions are "Because then you won't have a movie so much as you'll have a swirling cauldron of inanity," and "Because then you'll end up being a giant mess to everyone." And if you've ever seen a Tyler Perry movie by Tyler Perry, then you know that "a giant mess" is exactly what you get. 

    For example, The Family That Preys was a muddled mixture of wacky buddy roadtrip comedy, The Bucket List, and Lifetime movie melodrama. I Can Do Bad All By Myself was part musical, part bleak family melodrama, part zany Madea interlude. And then there was Why Did I Get Married?, which was ...

    read 151